My Vido Deprecion

I've been very busy not posting. I can say most of my blogs on past relationships though true were driven by ego. I can admit that. What I can also admit though I haven't been clinically diagnosed is that I suffer from depression. It comes and goes. Those that know me will say I'm a very happy-go-lucky person. I have my moments when I don't want to go out and interact with people. Maybe I have social anxiety disorder or maybe I've been stabbed in the back by people I never thought would do such a thing. When my brother passed away last year one of my biggest supporters spiritually left in the flesh. I feel my big brother's spirit with me. I'm not ashamed to share I have thoughts where I don't know if I can trust people. I'm not ashamed to say I hate asking my friends to do the simplest things for me. I don't know if it's pride or showing vulnerability but my friends, real friends that they are never judge me. They may laugh at me like I laugh at them when we joke but in all seriousness some of my best friends aren't people I grew up with. I talk to only a few people I grew up with. Everyone else I consider real friends I met as a teenager or a full grown adult. My depression may have affected my relationships with women. I went through a phase where I wanted a girlfriend and would make someone my girlfriend because I thought that's what I'm supposed to do. It also may have contributed to my affinity for heauxs years ago. I never paid the heauxs but they made cool company in the club, in the car and in my life temporarily. I don't associate with heauxs now. It's too much work dealing with a career, handling money and heaux problems. Heaux problems are sad. Heaux problems weigh on you even if you have nothing to do with the heaux problems. I don't trust people and despite my happy face, I'm cynical as hell. I just hide it well but now you know if you're reading this. I've learned if you can't commit to someone and they can't commit to you, it doesn't matter how cute they are or how they compliment you. I'm grateful despite the changes in my life that I'm sane, I have a car and a place of my own to live. I'm grateful I have talent that I capitalize from that I've shared with the world. I'm happy for my friends' successes small and great. I'm not a miserable person. I know some truly miserable people that would piss on a little kids' parade and look at the kid like something was wrong with them. I know why I took a break from dealing with music and the music industry. When my brother died I needed a break. All the preening, woofing, faking it til they make it and illusions that go on made me detest the music business. It paled in comparison to what I had going on in real life. It was real but seemed unnecessary. When you don't care about what's going on in something you love, it's a problem. I didn't care about new songs I couldn't relate to or who was having a party. I didn't care. I still don't but I take stock in that stuff if I can relate to it. Creatively I wasn't in a good place so I needed a break. I needed to grieve and get myself in order. At this time an ex-girlfriend wanted to be back in the picture when I wasn't in a capacity to deal with her. She encouraged me to be around people. It helped. Then I needed to be alone. She couldn't understand that but then again, she's a Type A personality and I don't deal with Type A personalities too kindly. It wasn't going to work and I left her alone...again. People think that because someone has a talent in the music industry, it should be easier for them to be "on". It's actually the contrary. Talent is a big help but business connections are the key to music and any other industry one could be in. I wasn't in a space to deal with the business and the creative process so I stopped. I went out to support friends and be around them. I wasn't trying to buddy hustle like I see so many other people do. I wasn't trying to be seen. I was trying to get myself out of the depression I felt. Professionally I was cool but not fulfilled. Seeing my friends succeed made me feel better about what I had going on. When you get an inside look at something on your own (which I had to do because despite what some think, nobody held my hand - pause - in the process) you learn how to navigate through it if you're smart. I've connected with like-minded people and made moves. Depression made me want to give up and not deal anymore but determination motivates me to push forward. I have personal issues to work out but I'll continue to be the nicest, assisting, determined, supportive person I've tried to be my adult life. Yes, I have moments when I don't want to get out of bed. Then I realize I was awaken by a higher power and I'd be remiss not to be productive and accomplish goals. My depression, Lord willing won't get the best of me and I have no qualms admitting it had me down. I have no qualms knowing I may feel depressed around my friends but I won't bring them down with me. I won't be a killjoy. I have a purpose in life. I live to fulfill that purpose. - Moolah