Since August 2014...

The world has changed since August 9, 2014. I remember sitting at home watching baseball and flipping channels between soccer and episodes of House Of Lies I previously recorded. Then I saw my Facebook feed. A kid face down was in the middle of the street. Now, I'm sure if you've been living under a rock or covering your ears and eyes for the last seven months you can't relate to this. Then the posts kept coming about somebody getting shot by police. It was REALLY all over my Facebook feed. For the most part, Facebook for me has become a source of gossip, funny memes and thirst traps of young adult females posting pics for attention. That Saturday afternoon it was more sensationalism but anger about something most of my Facebook 'friends' could relate to. Then I saw Twitter and my Twitter feed (@duckyhines) became flooded with this news from all over. There were no news reports on television because it was a summer weekend. Infomercials and sports were on. There was no need to report news, right? Another young man with dark brown skin had been shot. It was standard hat in this city and people were desensitized to it. This was different though because people were outside with the area taped off while the young man's body stayed in the street for four hours. This was different because it was in Canfield Apartments Green in Ferguson. I could walk or ride my bike to Ferguson though my mom didn't want me to when I was younger. She preferred I stay in Crown Manor on the eastern end of Dellwood which borders Ferguson to the direct north. A lot of my friends stayed in OakMont and Northwinds which were just north of Jennings and Northland Shopping Center. I grew up here. It was different. My mother lived in Canfield before I was born. It was definitely different. Later that night, I went to a Rap City event hosted by my good friend Teflahn Poetix who grew up around the corner from me on Green Valley and Crown Point in Dellwood after moving from Pine Lawn with his mom and brother. A young lady requested for him to say something about what happened to Mike Mike to the crowd while he was holding the microphone. He told her he was already on top of it. Little did we know how much life changed for us. Michael Brown, Jr. was a kid. At 18, you're an adult that can buy tobacco, vote and join the military but you're still a kid. At 18, most people are either in school or living with their parents trying to get something going that will hopefully shape their lives. I went to school, washed cars and thought I was killing the game selling reefer. Not Chronic. Reefer. I just knew I wanted to cop Jordans and look cool in lab class. I hadn't figured out life and most people don't do that until at least their early thirties. Mike Mike had that snatched from him at the hands of Darren Wilson, an officer with the Ferguson, Missouri Police Department who had previously been dismissed by the Jennings Police Department. Jennings' Police was absorbed by St. Louis County for corruption and mismanagement. However, Officer Wilson was a gainfully employed police officer in Ferguson where I visited girls and played basketball many a day as a teenager. I got home and woke up to go to church and the news channels were finally covering what happened in Canfield but they couldn't release the officer involved in the shooting's name. Then the story spiraled. Then it was all over CNN because a lot of my friends were in Ferguson protesting the shooting. As day turned to night, people figured out there were cameras and peaceful protests became perverted by leeches wanting petty material items and bragging rights. Each channel showed different aspects as "community leaders" were interviewed about what happened. Someone said it had a lot to do with people being sick of the system. They were sick of the system because people took Interstate 70 between the city line at Goodfellow Ave and Bridgeton at Lindbergh Blvd. On that stretch of interstate were multiple small municipalities that implored their police departments to sit in police cars with speed guns and pull people over for minor infractions. Most of these people look like me and Michael Brown, Jr. Governor Jeremiah Nixon spoke. He killed his credibility with the right and the left. It takes a special kind of asshole in Jefferson City to do that in a traditionally conservative state and piss everyone on both sides of the aisle off with lack of leadership but there's only one Jay Nixon. I vote. He's an asshole. The County Executive at the time, Charlie Dooley, possibly the least articulate elected official I've ever heard speak in my life dropped the ball. Robert McCulloch whom most people of color in this area trust like they trust David Duke said this would be a 'fair' investigation. I marched. I protested. Friends came in from out of town to march and protest with me. I wasn't out there everyday but people were seeing what was going on in St. Louis from outside of St. Louis. Again, in St. Louis it's normal hat for colored folk to get pulled over in North County. A lot (not all) of our neighbors to the south and west of us in the same county a lot of times couldn't relate nor would they drive through North County if they could help it. It was an isolated incident they said. Then Von Meyers was killed. Then other men of color were killed by police. People hated that these events interfered with their comfort and their news feeds. People showed their true colors and biases. Everything changed. It was different. The world saw how backwards and stuck in Dixie St. Louis really is. And just like everything else people only understand in the vein of toasted ravioli, Provel cheese and watered down Bud Light...a lot of people here couldn't understand what the fuss was about. A young black kid robbed a store they thought. The heroic officer ordered that young black kid to get out the street they thought. The heroic officer killed the young black kid defending himself they thought. Then a lot of my friends spoke at the United Nations and The White House about this but the majority here couldn't figure it out. Protests continued then it leaked out that Darren Wilson who had quit police work because he didn't want to become a distraction, wouldn't be indicted on charges by a secret grand jury. There were supposed to be tanks. There were supposed to be protection. People were more worried about their property values instead of the threat of violence. Not for nothing but between Highway 170 and the east riverfront, property values were kinda meh anyway. November 24, 2014 I saw Dellwood burned down at West Florissant and Chambers Road. Pantera's, Iggy's, Rothman and the 24-Hour Laundrymat that shaped Dellwood for years had been gone. To see where I grew up most of my childhood burned down because of people repeatedly dropping the ball and covering their own agendas, I wasn't surprised. Just like in August, people wanted to steal and take from small businesses and just like that, critics said there was no value of life in North County. Like Barrington Downs isn't in North County. Schools were cancelled and people said justice was served. We were supposed to 'get over it'. The Chosen People aren't asked to get over The Nazis targeting them. The Northeast isn't asked to get over September 11, 2001. So we're supposed to get over our grief, anguish and despair because other people that don't know our plight say so? No. There is no 'getting over it' like it's a bad argument over leaving the toothbrush next to the toilet paper. There is building and overcoming. There is changing lives so we can progress like the rest of the world. I remember a coworker saying something crass about what was happening and I checked him from a whole other room. Nobody in that room said anything about it after that. People want to go back to 'normal' when normal was fucked up from the get go here. The police departments in Ferguson, Velda City, St. Ann, Edmundson, Pine Lawn especially, Wellston, St. John's, Charlack and Berkeley are being reviewed for their predatory law enforcement tactics. A huge chunk of those municipalities have their revenue produced by traffic stops and court fines. Those municipalities are inhabited by a lot of colored folk and are along the Interstate 70 corridor. Other parts of the city deal with I-44, 270 and Highway Farrtee. Michael Brown, Jr.'s death was tragic and undeserved. People can disagree with this but what do I care? I've had a Dellwood police officer threaten to shoot me in front of my mother because he thought I robbed an AutoZone when I was 17. I was in the house all night watching basketball and only went to the gas station to get my mom a Diet Pepsi. I just looked at the cop who was half my size like he was the biggest pussy in the world for threatening to shoot me for walking home when he stopped me. Nothing happened after that and he said no hard feelings. I told him to go fuck himself but no hard feelings and went home. Unfortunately, Mike Mike didn't get to go home to his grandma's house in Canfield. He went home to Glory, Heaven. At 18. Everything changed. Since August 9, 2014 there is an eye on St. Louis, not just Ferguson. As the media tried to paint Ferguson as a whole other town, it's a part of St. Louis and a microcosm of how separated it is here. It's separated here by class more than race actually but geographically, less than five miles outside of St. Louis proper. As St. Louisans, either we can weep for what normal used to be or we can help move forward like most of the world by addressing our issues. Since August 2014, what was considered normal is no more and that's a good thing except for small businesses being destroyed and continued police harassment. There is dialogue and action taking place. Some municipalities have relaxed in cannibalizing their tax base for more money. Police are held more accountable to their sworn duties. Attitudes are changing and hopefully Old Dixe St. Louis progresses. Still, Michael Brown, Jr. was killed. His family will never see his face in person again but his spirit lives on so that he didn't die in vain. God be with his family.  Rest In Power, Mike Mike.

Hardcore Moolah

I remember when I was in school one of my classmates asked me why my father didn't buy me a car despite the fact he sold cars. I told him that's my dad's business and it has nothing to do with me. He said my dad was hard on me because I caught the bus to school. I didn't have a driver's license and it was my responsibility to get a car. My dad helped me out with it to my surprise. It was my car to insure and maintain. My dad wasn't hard on me. He was firm with me. My dad meant what he said and showed me how to be a man's man by example. I remember my dad saying my brother was hard on my nephew. My brother was kinda tough on my nephew but he taught my nephew man shit. Now that my brother has passed on, I'll continue the job with my nephew. My nephew is a teenager but I see traits in him I'm proud of. My uncles are all men of honor. Certain things are expected and aren't to be compromised. You don't let people run over you or mark you out. You don't compromise what you work for as a man for bullshit. A former associate told me I'm hard on another former associate because the former associate wasn't on man shit. At any given time I would've broken that former associate's face in half for being a snake. Out of kindness I didn't whoop his ass. Those former associates didn't get I was raised to be tough and live devoid of bullshit. I earned things. I worked hard and smart to reach goals. I will share what I have to a certain extent if you're with me 100%. If you're not with me, I go on about my business. I've heard I'm hard on women. I'm really not hard on women. I just have expectations I want out of a wife. A girlfriend is temporary. I'm grown now. Girlfriends are something I had a few years ago. If I don't see queen-like qualities in a woman, I just can't make her a top priority. Harsh? Maybe but it's clear and concise. I will treat every woman I like fairly in a gentlemanly way. Doesn't mean I'll introduce every woman I meet to my family. I've taken the hard road and done things I don't like for what I want out of life. I expect anyone close to me to be willing to do the same for what they want. My father wasn't hard on me. He raised me to make something of myself and be a man's man. Maybe I might be harder on some people than others but I'm honest. A couple good people I know are harsh with me and vice-versa. Our friendship with each other works because of that harsh honesty. My biggest thing is being understood and respected. It's simple but that's what I want. I have been through some things and am much happier. My depression is suppressed now. I went through some harsh shit. I'm happy. Thanks, Dad and Happy Father's Day. You made me a man's man that knows what he wants out of life. The other day I changed my tire. All my dad had to do was take me to the tire shop. He was proud I had everything set up to go. He met my tire guy and was proud I helped him out with a business venture. I think I'm who ai always wanted to be. I couldn't get here being spoiled and hard-headed. The harshness of what I've been through and a lot of prayer got me here. Praise God. - Moolah

Things My Exes Taught Me

The girl I thought I would marry got tired of me not being who she wanted to be. I refused to be who she wanted me to be. I had known her since elementary school and am still very cool with her sister. She loved my mom and mom often asked about her until I told my mom I didn't keep up with her. Once I stop messing with someone, there is no effort to be "friends" with them. I didn't chase her contrary to what she thought. We chose each other. At a time in my life when I wanted money and my aspirations, she chose to leave me alone. I left it alone and never talked to her again because she refused to communicate with me. I have not spoken to her since because there was no point in it but shout lout to her cool-ass sister, my drinking buddy. My last SERIOUS girlfriend knew where I stood and went out of her way to see me. She lived thirty minutes away and would drive to my place or meet me to see me. Before we got serious I took a trip out of town. She asked me if I had met anyone out of town and if I got some out of town. In my self-depricating humor I told her nobody even looked at me. She told me I was full of shit and I told her about this girl from Atlanta I met at Sobe Live. She constantly joked with me about it, joined me out of town and met the majority of my friends. Our relationship worked because she was open with me right until the end. She called me a cheap-ass Negro for having my lights off all the time in my place. The point was that she told me what was on her mind and I respected her for it. We broke up because her daughter was hitting puberty hard and she couldn't balance her family and our relationship. I respected that. Before and after her I met someone that was a selfish Type-A personality that wanted girlfriend treatment without girlfriend responsibilities on her end. We took a long break and she reached out to me at a crucial time in my life. I wasn't available to her like I had been before so she met somebody else. She reached out to me again when she saw me out but I was cool on her. These different women taught me about myself. I was with them at different stages of my life and have helped shape my views on relationships now. They taught me that I cannot be with someone that is emotionally inequipped to be open with me about what's on her mind. I prefer someone that will let me know what she thinks good, bad or indifferent. Someone that can't be open with me no matter how much mutual caring is there, will not work for me. If she can't handle business for myself or my family if I really needed her to, it will mot work for me. If she turns to Facebook or Twitter to talk about me instead of talking to me, it will not work for me. If she is waiting on me to do something and I'm unaware of what she wants because she doesn't ask me a direct question, well...it won't work for me. I had someone else I really loved that was willing to move across the country for me. I messed it up because I was honest and told her there was someone else in the picture because she was away. She and I weren't monogamous so I had carte blanche to do what I wanted. She had someone else too but I was the asshole because she "never expected me to do that". I learned not to cheat from her and to be with someone I wouldn't want to cheat on. I learned to be a good guy that wants to be happy with a woman that loves me but is honest with me and open to communication. I've learned what I want out of a relationship and not to compromise that. I learned what I want that would make me happy. My exes taught me what I needed so I can realize what I want from a woman in a monogamous relationship. I've been told my standards are high for a girlfriend. Girlfriends are cool but a a grown woman that carries herself and can meet me in a 100% commitment is my preference. Peace - Moolah

I Can See Jimi Hendrix

I went to church this morning and ran into my Godbrother today. This is my real Godbrother I've known forever. We used to play in the sandbox at Barrett Brothers Park. We had an R2-D2 toy chest filled with toy guns. Every gun you could think of in plastic in different colors. Cap guns, water guns, and just regular toy guns all in that toy chest. I hadn't seen him in months but he almost didn't recognize me. For the past six months I've been growing my hair out and it surprises people that haven't seen me in a while. I also have a full beard which I've never had as a full adult. I've always kept a low Caesar with a mustache until the last six months. In this picture from Mardi Gras you can see my beard but you can't see my hair because it was cold and that hat was warm. I've grown my hair out because I wanted to and creatively I feel the freest I've felt since I was a kid. It's liberating. I'm sure I may cut it to a low Caesar at some point but for right now, I don't care about how my hair looks. I wear hats and hoods most of the time and I'm not trying to impress anyone. This reminds me of when Sidney Deane told Billy Hoyt in White Men Can't Jump that Billy can't see Jimi Hendrix because he didn't have the soul. Jimi Hendrix was a free spirit that let his creativity flow any chance he got. Right now that's how I feel. I don't even bother to pick it out. If I did, I'd look like Dr. J in 1975 playing for the New York Nets. I can see Jimi Hendrix. I went out to The Loft to support my dude Indiana Rome (who I've always said is one of the most talented people I know bar none) in his quest to open Super Jam this summer at Scott Trade Center. As soon as I walked in, my friends were surprised I hadn't cut my hair. They've seen me a couple months back but I guess they figured I'd gone to the barber shop since then. Nope. I haven't seen my barber since November when I got a lining. I have razors that I shave with. Creatively I'm making the most soul-bearing music I've ever made. It's a process. My friends in music have released a lot of work and done a lot of shows over the last year. I've done a few shows here and there but that's not my focus. My focus is to make money, capital, revenue and I've spent the last few months with my business partner doing that in a better manner than before. So when you change your methods, you hope to get a change in results. We're getting better results. The creativity in that process is better for me and I can get what Jimi was doing when he didn't compromise his creativity. He wasn't scared to "go there". He wasn't scared to bend or break rules that shouldn't have existed in the first place. He didn't care about what anyone though. He cared about getting his art out and doing it the best way possible. That's where I am in my life and also being a better person. I'm a lot more patient than I'd ever been and my outlook on a lot of things have improved. I needed time to figure out what to do and it helped me grow. My hair might get cut next week but I might wait. It's not a pressing issue for me. It's not an Afro. It's just curly hair I haven't cut, nothing major or political about it. Jimi let his hair grow wild. I was sitting in church this morning and it hit me that I like my creativity more than I care about cutting my hair. A lot of stuff that was important to me before just isn't that important. My creativity is one of those things I pray I hold onto. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @duckyhines - Peace

My Mom's Basement Is A Museum Of 90s Hip Hop

I moved out of my mom's house a looooonnnngggg time ago and risked my freedom a few times to assure that stayed the same while I was buying Jordans and Polo all the time. I had a car note and rent to pay but damn, I had to stay fresh. I'm digging through my YouTube subscriptions and listening to Def Squad classics (Erick Sermon, Redman & Keith Murray among others). I used to come home from school, eat Pop Tarts, watch Rap City then go play basketball. This music for me shaped my taste in fashion and music. My friends used to tell me I listened to too much East Coast music. I wasn't the only one in school that did but I was wearing Timberlands and rugby shirts because that's what I saw in the video. I listened to Boot Camp Click, Lords Of The Underground, UGK, MC Breed (RIP) and obviously Pac and Biggie. People still get in debates in about who was better between Pac and Biggie. I never do because I can break down the fact that  Pac is an underrated lyricist. Listen to "No More Pain" and tell me he wasn't spitting. Also, Pac did the majority of his songs in one recording take. He did a lot of vocals and ad-libs but all in one take. Biggie as documented didn't write the majority of his lyrics down. He painted pictures without writing them down and influenced how I come up with my own rhymes. There was a time when Jay-Z wasn't the most popular rapper in the world. I remember that time. I also remember the first time I heard "Juicy" on the radio. I was in Chicago ironically buying a Source Magazine with Pac on the cover. I didn't like "Juicy" at first but it was on the radio every twenty minutes. I got home from Chicago and everyone was jamming Bone Thugs N Harmony "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" tough. Up and down West Florissant, people were playing Bone out of cars but Biggie not so much. I remember the first time I heard Illmatic. My homeboy actually caught somebody slipping on a bus and gave me Illmatic because he didn't like it. A few years later he asked me if I still have it. I told him I do. Then he asked if he could borrow it. I told him like on House Party with the CD commercial, "No, my brother you have got to get your own". Then he reminded me that he gave it to me and I told him you don't give away Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt, The Chronic, All Eyez On Me and Enter The Wu Tang expecting to get them back. I also gotta add Juvenile's 400 Degreez. I have all the above CDs except All Eyez On Me. Other CDs like my Das Efx, Redman, Mary J. Blige My Life are in my mom's basement at her house in many of my Air Jordan shoe boxes. See, I didn't just listen to East Coast Hip-Hop. Every classic 90's Hip Hop CD I've either had or had disappear out of thin air. My 400 Degreez is still in my CD case at home with my Reasonable Doubt. I also had No Limit CDs and I don't care what anyone says about Master P. He belongs in the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame for taking what Eazy E (RIP) did with Ruthless Records and taking it to another level for an independent record label. Death Row was dope but Suge Knight's bad business killed them. Puffy had Bad Boy and carried the roster after Biggie's demise. Cash Money doesn't get enough credit for not only breaking ground in The South but for making history with their $30,000,000 distribution. Also "Bling Bling" is a part of lexicon that will never die. There are so many other CDs I have like Gang Starr, Dogg Pound etc. Watching old videos brings back memories of what I loved about Hip Hop. I'm not going to bash what is called rap now but I know why I fell in love with the culture in the first place. Peep my blogs at http://www.citydivision.com Peace

George Jung Got Marked Out

Before I start my day I wake up and thank God for waking me up. I get regular sleep nowadays. The thought that you'll sleep when you're dead because you're on your so-called grind will lead you to bad health. I enjoy life too much and have so many things to do within the allotted time during 24 hours. Pardon me for being a human being. I get them done and I get sleep. What a noble concept! So I told myself I would blog more. I'm blogging more as you can read but from a different perspective. Through church (I'm not opening a religious diatribe here, I need to go because I've lived a life so far that warrants me going so let me cook) I've been reminded to be humble. Life itself will humble you if you're believing your hype or full of yourself so I walk humbly. I last posted about my fight to avoid clinical depression and I've posted about being a loner. I'm the youngest of three and my siblings were much older than me so I had time to myself. My mom worked out other people's problems at the welfare office for nine hours a day and was too stressed out to play Legos with me during the week. Just now she was mortified to learn I thought she didn't WANT to play games (Chutes N Ladders, Uno etc) with me when I was a kid. She felt bad then I reminded her how nice she is and I won the mom lottery because she's open-minded, funny and brutally honest. She told me when girls weren't good enough to meet her. She also let me watch Scarface and The Godfather. Through those movies I saw a code of honor which real criminals I befriended in my younger days carried. They did real stains. They wanted me to play sports or be a productive member of society. They also appreciated that I wasn't soft. In the movie Blow depicting the life of Boston George, government name George Jung I regularly saw this man get marked out around real cutthroats. Diego was a charismatic fuck up. DIEGO WAS A CHARISMATIC FUCK UP!!! George really should've had rounds in the pistol when he caught up with George on the island but he wasn't bout that life. He was a mark. He knew he was a mark but was only alive because Pablo Escobar wanted him alive to make the cartel money. I've stole on people for less than taking my business connect and turning that plug against me. I was never a thief or a larcenist. Those are bitch crimes. Anybody I know that stole actually robbed folks. Not saying that's upstanding but they carried the Henry Hill way of life stealing anything not bolted down and robbing folks at gunpoint for big shit. My big homie had choppers and sawed off shotguns in his bedroom and pounds of weed on checker boards. People didn't come in our hood trippin' or mess with anyone in the circle. I grew up with cats I had to fight every now and then but when someone tripped with one of us, they had beef with all of us. That's loyalty. That's what I grew up in. Then we all kicked it together. I had friends outside of my hood try to do me in like Diego. They wanted to take my business plugs and use them against me or not compensate me. When I didn't hand over the plug (because you NEVER give up your plug and they weren't worthy anyway) they got pissy about it and talked about my back because of it. When I fronted them they could see I wasn't playing about going there and fucking my life up to prove I wasn't playing. They got marked out. George Jung took his wife from his homeboy's homeboy who never liked him in the first place. George Jung constantly got marked out in Blow. Watch it. You'll see. It used to frustrate me that people would test me then make me out to be the asshole when I called them on it and was willing to go there with them. In business you'll have people that will constantly try to mark you out. In your personal life you'll have people that may try to mark you out. I had to get over this. It's a way of life so I try to stay woke and alert of my surroundings. I also got over a lot of shit that used to bother me or that I used to enjoy. I used to enjoy the company of heauxs. Again, I NEVER paid these heauxs. The heauxs paid me. That shit is stressful. I used to like the clubs every chance I get. I still do but I rarely go to clubs unless there's music business involved. I really, really, really used to enjoy copping new Jordans. Hypebeasts (scum of the earth that drive up the price and drive down the availability of normal and exclusive sneakers) ruined the shoe game. I have sneaker plugs and I only give them up to people that I know would do the same for me. However, I don't want EVERY pair of Jordans that came out like I used to. Black and Red Jordan 1s...didn't want them. I got the red and white pair. Gamma Blues...didn't want them. I have OG Space Jams. Space Jams are more exclusive than Gamma Blues. Taxi 12s...I still have 04 French Blue UK 12s, OG Finals 12s and Flint 12s. I had the Taxis in the 90s. I've worn the same size shoes since I was 11 years old. I DON'T NEED NEW JORDANS. I spend my time being more productive and being happy. I make my music, travel, do shows, laugh with friends and take less stock in rappity-rap shit than I used to. I see my family. Since my brother passed away, I take each day as a blessing more. He lived his life to the fullest. I don't like having my time wasted so I don't waste it on things I don't enjoy or that can't help me. Life will mark you out if you let it. I knew people that stole and carried guns at all times because we thought is was normal. How fucked up is that? For a while I was concerned I wouldn't be able to adapt to normal society because my normal surroundings involved drugs, guns and not trying to end up shot. My brother moved his family out far so my nieces and nephew wouldn't live the life we lived. What was normal to me was not normal and in some ways it fucked me up for a while. I have nieces and nephews that look to me for answers and love to laugh with me. That's what makes me happy. I look at my top closet in my bedroom closet and I like my shoes. I love my family. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my music and I enjoy doing shows. Rappity-rappers, so-called promoters (shoutout all the promoters I know that do real business), fake important music industry people (one time for all the people in the industry I respect and do good business with), heauxs, hangers-on, bottom-feeders and lames will try to mark you out in life. You just gotta concentrate on those that love you and make a better life for yourself. That is my goal every day. Enjoy your life, be happy and feel blessed...also don't get marked out like George Jung. Oh, yeah...I don't make New Year's resolutions. I plan ahead and pray to see tomorrow while acting out that plan. One day, each day with a plan. I just thank God for each day and prepare to enjoy life while making strides to be a better me. Follow me on Twitter @duckyhines Peace. - Moolah

My Vido Deprecion

I've been very busy not posting. I can say most of my blogs on past relationships though true were driven by ego. I can admit that. What I can also admit though I haven't been clinically diagnosed is that I suffer from depression. It comes and goes. Those that know me will say I'm a very happy-go-lucky person. I have my moments when I don't want to go out and interact with people. Maybe I have social anxiety disorder or maybe I've been stabbed in the back by people I never thought would do such a thing. When my brother passed away last year one of my biggest supporters spiritually left in the flesh. I feel my big brother's spirit with me. I'm not ashamed to share I have thoughts where I don't know if I can trust people. I'm not ashamed to say I hate asking my friends to do the simplest things for me. I don't know if it's pride or showing vulnerability but my friends, real friends that they are never judge me. They may laugh at me like I laugh at them when we joke but in all seriousness some of my best friends aren't people I grew up with. I talk to only a few people I grew up with. Everyone else I consider real friends I met as a teenager or a full grown adult. My depression may have affected my relationships with women. I went through a phase where I wanted a girlfriend and would make someone my girlfriend because I thought that's what I'm supposed to do. It also may have contributed to my affinity for heauxs years ago. I never paid the heauxs but they made cool company in the club, in the car and in my life temporarily. I don't associate with heauxs now. It's too much work dealing with a career, handling money and heaux problems. Heaux problems are sad. Heaux problems weigh on you even if you have nothing to do with the heaux problems. I don't trust people and despite my happy face, I'm cynical as hell. I just hide it well but now you know if you're reading this. I've learned if you can't commit to someone and they can't commit to you, it doesn't matter how cute they are or how they compliment you. I'm grateful despite the changes in my life that I'm sane, I have a car and a place of my own to live. I'm grateful I have talent that I capitalize from that I've shared with the world. I'm happy for my friends' successes small and great. I'm not a miserable person. I know some truly miserable people that would piss on a little kids' parade and look at the kid like something was wrong with them. I know why I took a break from dealing with music and the music industry. When my brother died I needed a break. All the preening, woofing, faking it til they make it and illusions that go on made me detest the music business. It paled in comparison to what I had going on in real life. It was real but seemed unnecessary. When you don't care about what's going on in something you love, it's a problem. I didn't care about new songs I couldn't relate to or who was having a party. I didn't care. I still don't but I take stock in that stuff if I can relate to it. Creatively I wasn't in a good place so I needed a break. I needed to grieve and get myself in order. At this time an ex-girlfriend wanted to be back in the picture when I wasn't in a capacity to deal with her. She encouraged me to be around people. It helped. Then I needed to be alone. She couldn't understand that but then again, she's a Type A personality and I don't deal with Type A personalities too kindly. It wasn't going to work and I left her alone...again. People think that because someone has a talent in the music industry, it should be easier for them to be "on". It's actually the contrary. Talent is a big help but business connections are the key to music and any other industry one could be in. I wasn't in a space to deal with the business and the creative process so I stopped. I went out to support friends and be around them. I wasn't trying to buddy hustle like I see so many other people do. I wasn't trying to be seen. I was trying to get myself out of the depression I felt. Professionally I was cool but not fulfilled. Seeing my friends succeed made me feel better about what I had going on. When you get an inside look at something on your own (which I had to do because despite what some think, nobody held my hand - pause - in the process) you learn how to navigate through it if you're smart. I've connected with like-minded people and made moves. Depression made me want to give up and not deal anymore but determination motivates me to push forward. I have personal issues to work out but I'll continue to be the nicest, assisting, determined, supportive person I've tried to be my adult life. Yes, I have moments when I don't want to get out of bed. Then I realize I was awaken by a higher power and I'd be remiss not to be productive and accomplish goals. My depression, Lord willing won't get the best of me and I have no qualms admitting it had me down. I have no qualms knowing I may feel depressed around my friends but I won't bring them down with me. I won't be a killjoy. I have a purpose in life. I live to fulfill that purpose. - Moolah